Tuesday, June 28, 2016

June Self Portrait

It was brought to my attention almost 10 years ago that I assume a lot of guilt for no reason. It took me a little by surprise at the time, but after giving a bit of thought I actually agreed. 200 percent. But what could I do? It was an emotion that I did not know its origination or how to curve.

Over the years, the level of guilt on certain topics ebbed and flowed. I have managed to get over the guilt of saying no to work projects or plans, I don't feel bad for indulging in myself, for not checking emails on the weekends (occasionally) or responding to texts immediately. Others - leaving home, leaving family and things undone, not keeping in touch with people I've known for more than half my life (and longer) - are harder to swallow. Some days I have an overwhelmingly amount of guilt for overcommitting, not doing or knowing enough, or even for feeling tired and going to bed early.

I'm not sure how I made those strides exactly. Maybe I made myself too busy to embrace that feeling. Maybe my overactive conscience took the backseat to enjoy this new no-second guessing, less self-critical person and found it wasn't so bad. I know my confidence has grown immensely, so perhaps I was just growing out of it. On a recent trip home I was sorely reminded of that nagging sensation by someone I should really care less about. But why? For what reason?

I heard some good advice recently. Do something small consistently. Be 100 percent when you're being something - or someone - you believe is good. And that is enough.